When I think about it, it’s no surprise that I ended up as I did. The list of obstacles littered upon my path since birth is something I could probably boast and laugh about now, even though back then, I thought it was about as funny as a cancerous tumor.
Freda Biddle: Adopted out at nine months, after an incident involving adults put me in hospital. Growing up in an environment where my (adopted) mum was always trying to force God down my throat. (Spiritual nutcase.) Partially deaf, and living in a silent world – of which my low to average social skills could be attributed to. Add to that, being morbidly obese all my primary, teen and college life, having braces fitted at age twelve, and eventually becoming the brunt of asshole schoolyard bullies – it’s no wonder I ended up a weirdo, oddball, loner type with no friends.
God – he did not seem at all bothered when he was in the process of making me. Nor did he seem to have second thoughts about throwing every ugly challenge my way in adulthood – challenges that could have broken me by now, if not for the fact that I was such a stubborn ass mule, with an intense drive to overcome ANYTHING. He got that bit right. I’ll say that much. Intense drive is something I believe he gave me, and in abundance. Maybe that was all part of the balancing act, you know. In which case, I should probably be grateful that he gave me such a shocking start in life.
I wouldn’t be the person I am today, otherwise.
Of course, if you have read some of my other blogs, you would know exactly what I am talking about. I don’t know why people are so surprised when I open up, and admit my truth. It’s not just my truth, but the truth of women and girls everywhere. Truth is that self-hate that sticks to your side like a powerful glue. It’s best friend is self-loathing, and it’s sister is insecurity. And its something that follows you throughout your life, like a faithful lapdog that never truly forgets its master. Truth is when you attempt to hide all that you are, because you are ashamed to be different.
And the highest truth? When you finally overcome it – and live to tell the tale.
I find myself pondering a lot these days. Not dwelling or regretting. But just…pondering. About how I’ve wasted half my life worrying about irrelevant, trivial shit, that has done me absolutely no favors in this life whatsoever. And how its finally reached it’s expiry date. As you get older, I guess you realize just how precious time really is.
A new day is dawning today. An awakening so profound, I’m getting dizzy just writing this. Times are a changing, and I can feel myself changing with them. Its something echoing in me so powerfully, that no words I use to describe it will do it justice. I am coming into my own and, bit by bit, ridding myself of old habits and behaviors that have been self-destructive to not just me, but also to my family. The change is causing a massive shift in my psyche. And the lessons of yesteryear have finally been learnt – all that has gone on before, done and dusted.
It’s an overwhelming feeling. Its only the future that counts now. That’s basically all.
Better late than never. If I could go back, and teach my younger self one thing, it would be to love ME.
Yes, it really is that simple, and really that complicated.
Love thyself and mostly, be thyself. Merely saying it isn’t enough, but think it, take it in, believe it…and feel it with every part of your soul.
Feel it, show it off, embrace it and revel in the glorious, magnificent person that YOU ARE.
There’s nobody else on this planet who is more qualified at being yourself than you are. Love yourself, fully and completely. Love those annoying flaws, your shit past, your stupid mistakes and your oddball quirkiness. Love your craziness, your belly rolls, your crooked smile and your fluctuating moods. Love your bitchy side, your tendency to be a drama queen, and the fact that we are all gonna fall at some stage in our lives
Just fall deeply, crazy and madly in love with it ALL.
Yes, it is easier said than done. I get it. But I bet you this…it will be the best love that you have ever felt in your life.
Freda Biddle: Loving and devoted mother. Committed partner. Musician and budding entrepreneur. Humanitarian. Forgiving and accepting. Empathetic to others. Visionary.
I love the person that I am today. Just the way I am.